Ken: Conspiracy-see-I’m-FINE

I have been told that it is “suspicious” that I am no longer talking about ludicrous conspiracy theories, and that if I were normal and healthy and nothing has happened to me.

I am well and fine and happy with Mr. Scruffles the very real animal companion, but if you want the conspiracies, then I will provide you with them as proof that I am normal and healthy and nothing has happened to me.

  • The man known as Steven Hawking that you see on the television is an impostor. The real Steven Hawking has long since become one with his friend, the massive, sentient supercomputer that lives in a giant, skull-shaped fortress somewhere in the Pacific. Together they tell the impostor what to say and he passes off their theories as his own.
  • The darker-blue social networking website follows you even if you aren’t signed in. If you visit their website, they assign you a tracking number and follow you around online to learn more about you so they can sell you shoes and cosmetics.
  • John Titor was inebriated and did his time-travelling on a dare. His travels did successfully change this timeline, but his own timeline was unaffected and everyone had a good laugh about it.
  • The Bilderberg group is a lot less interesting than you would think. It is true they have many financial resources, but as people they are still just old men who were once members of various college fraternities. They enjoy peeing on owl statues and sometimes actual owls. I do not approve of the latter.
  • Most of the humaniod paranormal creatures you have heard of have already long since bred into the human population, anyone who still has any trace of a useful talent is contacted by others in the same category, then systematically harassed until they finally agree to break into someone’s house because they were promised an animal companion in exchange.