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Ken: Too tired

I’m too tired and sad to do anything today. I’m just going to cuddle Mr. Scruffles and present a list of truths instead.

  • The show with the cut-out-characters who swear a lot based their current storyline off of a thread on a certain anonymous message board.
  • 34/35 moderators on one of the largest and most popular political message boards online have been replaced or newly within the last year.
  • One of the most popular TV reporters currently on air worked for the FBI for two years before he started his news career.
  • One of the big companies that provides email addresses allowed for content scanning of emails that recipients hadn’t even opened yet.
  • Some of the most recently leaked emails from certain political organisations contain information about aliens. The origin of these emails is actually the same anonymous message board that I mentioned earlier. It’s circled all the way around.
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Ken: Para-more-normal

Because I apparently cannot do anything correctly, I have been told that perhaps it is best for Mr. Scruffles and I to shift focus to “paranormal” things instead of “conspiracy” things.

I feel more confident in this endeavor! Behold my research notes!

My huge collection of paranormal-themed askreddit threads from Paranormal

10 Creepy Mysteries You Haven’t Heard Of

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Ken: Shifting the goalposts on me

I have been informed that a “conspiracy” has to be something where one group of humans is doing something intentionally to another group of humans. It cannot be something that humans are doing to themselves, or allowing to have happen to them out of ignorance or because they think something is normal.

Alright then, behold my new conspiracy theory:

Very few people control very many things!

My evidence is visual therefore it is irrefutable.

Here is your food providers!

The seeds to grow your food!

Your banks!

Television!

Internets!

Airplanes!

And your media companies!

 

You are all very foolish if you think the things you consume with your mouth and your eyes are very diverse! Look at how much power these big companies and their boards actually have! They are far more rich and powerful and influential than you!

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Ken: More of this, then?

It looks like I am to add more of the conspiracies in order to keep my current arrangement. Well that is acceptable. This week, I will not give you a list of many true things, but instead I will explain one thing in many details.

These things are your enemy:

You think I am being silly. I am not!

You see, darkness is good. Darkness is necessary for getting good sleep and being healthy and not having your sicknesses accelerate and if you don’t sleep well and on a natural schedule, you will start to have problems, but the thing is, all human cities are so full of light that you cannot LITERALLY CANNOT have a natural light schedule. There is ALWAYS more light than there ever would be naturally you cannot escape it!

If you follow a normal dark/light cycle, you will be happier and healthier, but if you do not, you will become stressed. So what is happening in cities? EVERYONE is stressed unnaturally ALL THE TIME. There is no rest! You are always exposed to too many lights and sounds and sirens and people and you get no space and no quiet and no rest!

You think it is normal. It is not normal. You think human behavior in cities is normal, but it is not! If you put a bunch of animals like Mr. Scruffles in a place where they were constantly exposed to more light and noise than they would be naturally that would be considered animal abuse! So why do so many humans think that living with THIS:

Or THIS:

or THIS:

or THIS:

is acceptable? You have people on this planet who don’t know what the milky way looks like and thought stars were some kind of POLLUTION!

You are making yourselves unhealthy physically and mentally and you don’t even realize it! Because you think it is light and it’s harmless to you!

… I mean…

… and “we” don’t even realize it….

… “harmless to us

…right.

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Ken: Conspiracy-see-I’m-FINE

I have been told that it is “suspicious” that I am no longer talking about ludicrous conspiracy theories, and that if I were normal and healthy and nothing has happened to me.

I am well and fine and happy with Mr. Scruffles the very real animal companion, but if you want the conspiracies, then I will provide you with them as proof that I am normal and healthy and nothing has happened to me.

  • The man known as Steven Hawking that you see on the television is an impostor. The real Steven Hawking has long since become one with his friend, the massive, sentient supercomputer that lives in a giant, skull-shaped fortress somewhere in the Pacific. Together they tell the impostor what to say and he passes off their theories as his own.
  • The darker-blue social networking website follows you even if you aren’t signed in. If you visit their website, they assign you a tracking number and follow you around online to learn more about you so they can sell you shoes and cosmetics.
  • John Titor was inebriated and did his time-travelling on a dare. His travels did successfully change this timeline, but his own timeline was unaffected and everyone had a good laugh about it.
  • The Bilderberg group is a lot less interesting than you would think. It is true they have many financial resources, but as people they are still just old men who were once members of various college fraternities. They enjoy peeing on owl statues and sometimes actual owls. I do not approve of the latter.
  • Most of the humaniod paranormal creatures you have heard of have already long since bred into the human population, anyone who still has any trace of a useful talent is contacted by others in the same category, then systematically harassed until they finally agree to break into someone’s house because they were promised an animal companion in exchange.
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Ken: Mr. Scruffles

I have acquired Mr. Scruffles. This is Mr. Scruffles. He is a real juvenile canine and this is not a photo I acquired off the google images. Behold.

You will note his intelligent eyes and small nose, it is cool to the touch. When he is amused or in a positive emotional state, Mr. Scruffles will move his tail horizontally back and forth in rapid succession.

I am glad to have acquired this animal companion, it is good for getting me out of the house, which is where I am currently located. I spent too much time in that house, and it was very difficult for anything to get inside that house, even when they worked really really hard to do so and that wasn’t very nice of me to make them work so hard because I knew they were on a tight deadline but I just did not care about their wellbeing, oh no, it was far more important to put sharp pointies in the part of the house where the fire lives so anything trying to get inside would get all scratched up.

Mr. Scruffles seems upset, I should let him know I am not mad at him. He is a very good boy. Some things, some people, are not good. Not like Mr. Scruffles. Mr. Scruffles is a good boy.

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Ken: [No subject provided]

I was wrong. I see that now. I don’t know what came over me.

Everything is hunky-dory, I was worried over nothing, how silly of me.

I think I’m going to go for a nice long walk now to clear my head.

Maybe adopt a puppy, I will name him Mr. Scruffles and take him to the dog park on a regular basis and feed him a proper diet.

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Ken: Hiding in Plain Sight

Hey everyone, Ken E. here. But I kind of wish I wasn’t. I’ve been having a rough couple of weeks. Honestly, I feel like I’m going crazy. At night, I can hear the walls whispering, and I constantly feel like someone is looking over my shoulder. I’ve also been having this recurring dream where my mother is urging me to go to sleep. That’s strange because I’m obviously already asleep, but it’s also unnerving, because my mother died when I was a child, and I don’t really know what she looks like.

All of this reminds me of the various stories on demon possession I’ve heard over the years. Remember Anneliese Michel? She’s the real life sixteen-year-old German Catholic who was the inspiration for the film The Exorcism of Emily Rose. Well, Michel was diagnosed with temporal lobe epilepsy, but her medication didn’t stop her from seeing the faces of devils or from hearing voices that told her that she would “rot in hell.”

Or what about Pat Reading? This mother from Litchfield, Connecticut began losing her mind in the ‘80s. Reading had never previously been involved in any type of occult practice and had no history of mental illness. However, she began hearing strange banging noises in her home, and these episodes eventually evolved into the overturning of furniture and violent attacks on her own body. A paranormal investigator later revealed that he saw her hair after it had been ripped out of her scalp.

I could go on listing names like Clara Germana Cele, Michael Taylor, or Roland Doe, but these stories aren’t the point, and I’m not a “demon under every bush” kind of guy.

However, I have a friend who works at NASA and he told me that many of these stories have nothing to do with demons, but are the result of an ancient race of shapeshifters that take over people’s bodies. If he’s right, I’m worried they’ve targeted me.

Lock your doors. Tell your parents you love them. And then say a prayer for me. Oh yeah, and keep your chin up and pick up a history book.

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Ken: Eat Me!

Hey everyone, Ken E. here. Since I started this blog, I’ve endeavored to bring you guys the most interesting (if sometimes questionable) facts from history. However, few stories have freaked me out nearly as much as this next story. I hope you didn’t have a rich lunch, because you might feel a little queasy jumping into this pool.

I have a Native American friend who likes to tell me stories about the Red Haired Giants anytime we’re sitting around a bonfire. Apparently, thousands of years before any white men “found” the New World, the Native American people were locked in a brutal war against a tribe of giants with (you guessed it) red hair. These legends are among the oldest of the Native Paiute people’s oral history. The tales talk of cannibalistic, 12-foot giant who viciously attacked Native American settlements and carried off screaming women and children for food. The Paiute called these giants Si-Te-Cah. After decades of battle, the ancient Paiute army finally cornered the last of the giants in a cave and burned them to death.

Now, here’s the creepiest part. In 1911, a group of guano miners who were searching the Lovelock Cave in Nevada, uncovered an odd assortment of human remains dating back as far as 1500 BCE. There were claw marks on the cave walls as well as other evidence that this group of people died in a fire. But how big were they, you ask? Good question. Many of the skeletons exhumed were between 9 and 12 feet tall.

Of course, I didn’t even get to tell you about the red-haired giants found in China, which just makes you wonder if there are still red-haired giants living in a remote cave anywhere else in the world today.

That’s all for me today. This morning, I found a note on my door saying, “They’re coming for you!” I don’t know who left this note, but I’m going to try to keep my head down for a bit. If I don’t see you next week, take care…and open a history book for Nemed’s sake!